This conspiracy theory will change how you see Star Wars…forever!

FINALLY! The true hero of the Star Wars saga…REVEALED AT LAST!


Our story begins on a forest moon in a distant sector of a a faraway galaxy. For generations this diverse world has been protected, a sanctuary, home to dozens of sentient and semi-sentient species. Now the Galactic Republic has fallen, an Empire has risen to replace it, and pivotal to Imperial power is a new class of space battle stations. The first of these “Death Stars” is to be built in orbit of a distant planetoid named Yavin. The second, far larger, will soon take shape in the blue sky over this sanctuary world – Endor.

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An Imperial research team dispatched to Endor comes under attack from a curious race of furred bipeds whose name for themselves is best translated as “Ewok“. Long have the Ewok elders observed the human presence within their forests, fearing its spread, knowing that any action may bring down wrath upon them. A hot headed Ewok warrior, who shall remain nameless for now, ignores all warnings and launches a secret attack on the Imperial researchers. In the ensuing Imperial bombardment millions of Ewoks die. The few survivors flee from their towns and cities to hidden forest tree villages. Little did they know that this tragedy would forever alter the course of galactic history.

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Decades later, and a Corellian Cruiser is blockaded by an Imperial Star Destroyer above the desert world of Tatooine. Aboard are two droids, one a protocol model of golden colour who bears little significance to our tale. The other, by outward appearance only, an astromech droid of the R2 series, R2-D2, whom we shall call henceforth by its correct name – Artoo. As Storm Troopers lead by Darth Vader board the ship, these two droids escape to the world below. But not before becoming embroiled in a desperate mission.


Consider the incredible series of events that Artoo will go through as this story progresses, events no ordinary R2 droid could respond to with such warrior guile. First. What can possibly explain the decision of Princess Leia Amidala, a senior leader in the Rebel Alliance, seasoned diplomat, and latent Jedi master, to entrust the entire future of the cause for which she fights into the the hands…or rollers…of an astromech droid? What does she know at this time that we do not? Ask yourself that question.

Stranded in an unforgiving desert, captured by slave trading Jawas, and fitted with a restraining bolt, Artoo is nonetheless able to exert a mysterious influence over its captors that persuades them to take the droid to the only person on the entire planet who can help it complete its mission – Luke Skywalker. Artoo then displays advanced psychological manipulation skills, playing only part of Leia’s message to General Kenobi, thereby tempting the young farm hand into action. Kenobi claims never to have owned an R2 unit, but is careful not to press the point. What does he see in Artoo that we do not? What does Kenobi…fear?

Artoo’s role in the infiltration, and later destruction, of the first Death Star is well documented. But the droid’s true significance has never been recognised. Consider these events. Upon exiting the captured Millenium Falcon, Artoo’s absolute focus is on accessing the Imperial computer systems, so much so that he almost allows his entire team to be garbage compacted. Why? What could Artoo being doing, other than scouring for every kilobyte of available data on BOTH planned Death Stars? A true spy thinks well ahead…and a true warrior always takes revenge.

Consider this. ALL of the data on the Death Star, both the stolen secret plans, and the additional material from the hacked Imperial computers, comes from Artoo. Are we to believe that one skilled X-Wing pilot after another failed to hit those exhaust ports – a shot no harder than “bullseyeing a womp rat” – or is there a simpler…if more sinister…explanation? Is it not more believable that the location of the exhaust ports, misrepresented in the data handed over by Artoo, allowed a long held vendetta to be played out?

“To what end did Artoo radicalise the young Skywalker, and deploy him as a weapon in its personal vendetta against the Empire?”

The official narrative tells us that Luke Skywalker was guided by the ghost of Obi Wan Kenobi to use the Force to destroy the Death Star. On which I am here to call BULL SHIT. We already know that Artoo has access to holographic visual and audio projection capabilities. Seated behind Skywalker, Artoo was more than capable of fooling this impressionable youth into closing off his sensors AND SHUTTING HIS EYES then using its own superior astro-mech capabilities, and the accurate location data, to take the shot itself.

But why? Only a being intent on revenge would go out of their way to bloody their hands with the thousands of Imperial lives who perished on Death Star #1.

Remember the words of Vader as he, the galaxy’s greatest pilot, closes on Luke’s X-Wing. “The force is strong in this one.” Remember also, it is Artoo, not Luke, that Vader then hits (but fails to knockout, Artoo’s pretence at being unconscious in the crucial moments only strengthens its cover. Remember also, the celebratory medal giving event? Picture the R2 droid rocking on its wheels as Luke is given his medal? That’s not joy, that’s the suppressed rage of a true warrior who can not claim its victory!! !

Artoo is merciless in its ongoing manipulation of the young Skywalker. Time and again it conjures visions of the dead Ben Kenobi to send the young Jedi warrior in the direction that Artoo’s true agnda requires of him. Artoo’s skills are so great, it can even prime Skywalker with hypnotic suggestions that manifest at a later time, as when Skywalker “sees” Kenobi on the icy plains of Hoth, and receives the message to visit the enigmatic Master Yoda.

If any creature suffered at the hands of Artoo as the “droid’s” plot unfolded, it was the swamp dwelling creature, his true name unknown, that was made to pretend the identity of a great Jedi Master. Using its projectors on the tightest setting, focussed to whisper directly into the dumb creatures cerebral cortex, Artoo used this “Yoda” as a puppet and then, at the last, disposed of it without mercy. The potential for humiliation at the highest levels of the New Republic forced authorities to retcon the official history of the Jedi Order to include the improbable figure of a swamp dwelling sub-sentiet toad as it’s greatest ever Jedi Master! From the green lips of “Master Yoda” came the lies that gave Artoo absolute control over the soul of young Skywalker.

Anakin Skywalker murdered Padawan children. LIES. The Empire arose from a Sith conspiracy. LIES. Vader intended to turn Luke, his own son, to this dark side MORE LIES. Evidence is strong that Vader’s true plans were for a largely democratic galactic government. It was only the terrorist threat from the Jedi Order itself, best on a return to theocratic religious dictatorship, that forced Vader to institute such draconian security measures. The conflict between competing Republican and Imperial power bases had raged for centuries, with BOTH sides committing atrocities when it suited their purposes.

To what end did Artoo radicalise the young Skywalker, and deploy him as a weapon in its personal vendetta against the Empire? It was as a radicalised terrorist that Luke walked into the throne room of the Emperor aboard the second Death Star, as a weapon primed and set to murder both his own father and his father’s mentor, a decapitation strategy that…against all odds…succeeded in crippling the far superior Imperial military forces. All of it guided by the intelligence of Artoo Deetoah, for that indeed is her true full name.

But why? Why? WHY??? Think back to those tragic events on Endor. For where, ultimately, do Artoo Deetoah’s actions lead us but there? It is here that the Skywalker plot reaches its fulfilment. It is here that a Rebel Fleet is lured into a trap that forces a conforntation with Imperial forces. It is above Endor that the second Death Star is destroyed, ending forever it’s threat to the world below. Whose agenda does this play to? Do you not see?

A once great people reduced to refugees

Artoo Deetoah was none other than the young warrior maiden who sought to safeguard her people against the military threat of Imperial colonisation. Mortally wounded in her ill considered frontal assault, grieving the many Ewok lives lost through her miscalculation, Artoo Deetoah has her shattered body placed into the shell of a scavenged astro-mech, and heads to the stars to take her bloody revenge.

We may question Artoo Deetoah’s methods. We might mourn the tens of thousands dead from her actions. We may sympathise with the calculated destruction of the Skywalker clan and its once great reputation. But could we truly ask a great warrior to do anything less to protect the innocent indigenous people of Endor? Thanks to Artoo, they have peace, which neither side – Imperial or Republican – might have otherwise given them. Those who know the truth now fear the Ewok as a fearsome foe. Is that not the ultimate evidence that Artoo Detooah is the true hero of Star Wars?


Published by Damien Walter

Writer and storyteller. Contributor to The Guardian, Independent, BBC, Wired, Buzzfeed and Aeon magazine. Special forces librarian (retired). Teaches the Rhetoric of Story to over 35,000 students worldwide.

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