Puppetgovernment

What critics really mean when they say…

Nothing in publishing means what it says. Especially book reviews and the stuff they put in blurbs.

Renowned – unknown

Bestselling – crap

New York Times bestseller – utter crap

Seminal – almost dead

Legendary – actually dead

Cult – only readable by drug addicts

A powerful debut – you will never hear from this author again

Winner of… – went to uni / slept with a judge

A tale of love, hate and [INSERT IRONIC SUBJECT IE ironing, cats, bee keeping] – the book is essentially just the unremarkable life of the author who erroneously believes they are quite interesting

Volume 7 in the Chronicles of Tel’neth – sales started tappering off after Volume 2 and have never recovered, we’re hoping the author will die before we have to tell him he’s no longer in contract

One of our greatest living novelists – everyone is saying nice things about this but I really don’t know why

Hypnotic, spellbinding – didn’t get it

Brilliantly conceived, bold and exuberant – didn’t read it

Impossible to put down – only read the beginning

The long-awaited return of – written by the author after a minor nervous breakdown in a desperate attempt to pay their medical bills

The literary sensation of the year – author got to all the right parties

Astounding – competent

Astonishing – incoherent

Amazing – predictable

The list could go on forever. And why shouldn’t it? Tell me the ones I missed @damiengwalter

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