Military Industrial Complex invites nations to “volunteer” as war zones

ARLINGTON, VA—Citing a “distressing lack of economically expendable geographies,” a coalition of top defense contractors issued an urgent plea Tuesday for any nation with a negligible impact on the S&P 500 to “selflessly volunteer” to host a massive, high-tech kinetic conflict.

​The joint statement, signed by CEOs from Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Boeing, noted that while the industry is currently sitting on record-breaking stockpiles of precision-guided munitions, the “unfortunate reality” of a hyper-integrated global economy has made it nearly impossible to find a target that doesn’t accidentally tank the tech sector or disrupt a vital semiconductor route.

“We’d been relying on Iran as the next region of for-profit-devastation but that looks like a no go.” Said Lockheed Martin spokesperson Brent Holloway, gesturing toward a map of the world where every region was crossed out with red ink labeled ‘Too Many Data Centers’ or ‘Critical Lithium Source.’
​”In the old days, you could have a nice, robust proxy war without worrying about your own stock portfolio. But now? You drop one Hellfire missile in the wrong province and suddenly the price of mid-sized SUVs in Ohio triples because a wiring harness factory burned down.”

​The proposal, which the Pentagon has described as an “Olympic-style bidding process for total annihilation,” offers participating nations the “prestige” of being the sole focus of the world’s military hardware without the messy side effects of damaging global capitalism.

​”We’re looking for a hero,” Holloway continued, noting that the IMF is even willing to offer high-interest reconstruction loans once the “volunteer” nation is sufficiently leveled. “We are asking the world: Who is brave enough to be destroyed to salvage our Q4 earnings?”

“If nobody steps up we’re going to have to hold a fire sale on F35s” A leaked Lockheed memo revealed that there is literally nowhere the fighters can attack that won’t cost more than just scraping them all.

“It’s almost like humanity is one interdependent community and the ‘defence industry’ is just a massive parasite generating the conflicts it needs to feed on.”